In my mind, I planned to write this post some years from now. When I feel like I would have completely discovered myself and know for certain where I’m going.
For one, I do know where I’m going, but I don’t know how exactly I’ll get there. Some years ago, I mentally planned my life, how exactly I thought it would be. But God had other plans, he must have looked at me and said “she’s so cute…lol. I’ve decided to be content with the way he reveals the future to me one chapter at a time.
So I’ll give some background story, where I’m coming from and where I am today.
I have a great family, six children and both parents to care for us. Since I was a child I’ve been strong willed and like my dad would say, whatever I want I would go all out to get it.
I was a stay at home kid, my fun time was reading story books and playing with my younger brother. So naturally I grew up to be an indoor person, I preferred to stay locked up in my room to going out. I couldn’t stand a crowd especially in my own home, it was that bad.
So it spread to my school life, in classes I would never answer questions even when I was certain of the answer.
My siblings are much older than me and when I say much, I mean like ten years and above. So yeah, that’s a lot don’t ask me why? I have no idea, lol.
Anyway so. By the time I was grown enough to start my life (literally), my siblings were either married or out of the house. The journey to explore the world and discover myself, I had to do it all alone.
My primary school life wasn’t all that, I hid among the crowd afraid to be noticed. I didn’t seek attention and God granted my desires, lol I wasn’t noticed much. I was that girl who the teacher wouldn’t see when asking questions in class, like seriously they don’t see me unless I wanted to be seen.
So anyway, why was I afraid to be seen? Why didn’t I want to be noticed? Isn’t that like ironic? Who doesn’t want to be seen?
Well the answer is simple, I was afraid. Afraid of failure. I mean this wasn’t just a class thing, when we had extra-curricular activities I never wanted to lead in anything.
Fear ruled my life and it continued even to when I went to high school.
But God had other plans, no more blending with the crowd.
First of all my skin tone already distinguished me, ‘dark and shine’ was like my nickname.
So there’s this passage in the bible I love so much it says ’a man’s gift makes room for him’. I was athletic, I knew I could race fast but I thought it didn’t matter.
Prior to this time, I always thought I had no talent like zero talent. Couldn’t draw, can’t sing, not a great dancer, I didn’t take the first position in class; so in my mind, I was nothing.
Until the inter-house sport time when I was pushed into racing, long story short, I won all my races. I was one of the best in school, I represented my school in several places. I had thought to myself several times; this is all I have. Especially when I lost at a beauty pageant, I mean I dared to go for a competition and I failed (it was horrible for me especially because I had the wrong mind set).
So I thought the fear was over until I fell during one of my training. I tumbled over a couple of times before I halted. It was never the same running. When I ran again, the scene kept playing in my head, so automatically my speed reduced.
Ah! Fear had taken over again, I secretly had the dream that I’d go international and run for the nation. And when my mum frowned at the idea, it was the validation I needed to give up.
Leaving High school, I thought I’d lost my dream and my talent. It was only a big fat lie. I wrote a lot, I wrote on any piece of paper I could find. I could express myself more in writing than in talking. If I was very happy, I would write. If I was sad I’d write.
But what did I do? I kept it all to myself. What good would it do? People would just read and laugh. Mehn, I was my own worst critic.
Until, God sent a helper o, lol. Who saw my work and was amazed?
I learnt to overcome fear by loving what I do enough to know that it matters, it matters because if I put my mind to it I would make impact.
So whatever it is that you do, writing, blogging, fashion designing, engineering, and marketing whatever. Do it without fear nor reservations, give it your all or don’t do it at all.
You don’t have to know it all before you get something done.
So I hope you enjoyed my awkward story, have you ever been held back by fear? What was your experience like?