Mum’s voice grew faint as time went on… I knew she had gone up to their room. I closed my eyes, attempting to forget everything. I was making up excuses in my head for daddy when I heard a knock on my door
” sweetheart, open the door”…He knocked again. “I know you can hear me”. I was going to open the door but my body wouldn’t just stand up. How could he? My daddy? My Hero?….those were my thoughts as I drifted off to sleep.
I woke the next morning feeling very sore and tired…then like a rush, yesterday’s event came into memory and I started crying again. Was I to tell mummy? Would she leave daddy? Would she leave us?…
My stomach began to grumble and I knew I had to leave my room sooner or later. They would have left for work by now. I opened my door as quietly as I could and started walking on my toes towards the kitchen… “Good morning sweetheart” a familiar voice said
I screamed as I turned to see my dad sitting close to the dining. “Good….good morning….I wanted to add ‘daddy’ but it just didn’t feel right.
I turned slowly and started to walk towards the kitchen
“I’m sorry…i’m so sorry, i…can explain ” . Oh God, was he discussing this with me right now. Did he forget that I was just twelve!!! My body stiffened as I came to a halt half way to the kitchen. My heart was pounding in anger.
My dad was kind but he was a very proud man…hearing him say so much sorry in a sentence was meant to mean something to me but it just fell flat behind my ears
I turned to look at him,..my eyes were burning in anger, I knew. But all I saw was guilt in his eyes, I saw shame. The words that came out of my mouth I will never forget till this day. They hunt me in my dreams and in my thoughts, even when I just look at mum.
” I didn’t see anything! I barked at him. I don’t need to be motherless too! His jaw dropped in shock. And that was the last real conversation I had with my dad.
I walked back to my room not daring to look at him. All the respect I had for him had been erased.
Mum was too busy to notice the change…or maybe she assumed I was just growing up. She was too busy to open her eyes! On some days I’d just cry…Other days I’d be quiet. I withdrew from every living thing and started to communicate with my own journal.
These are the very last pages of my journal.
I told mum that I wanted to be in the boarding house and somehow she agreed…the holidays were the worst
Watching as mum would shower all her love on dad, and boast of his love to her.
How many times did I clench my fist? How many times did I want to destroy something?
I wished I could shake her to reality…but then again I had a choice and I chose to put her in the dark. I was selfish, I couldn’t imagine a life without her.
But this wasnt what i wanted ,it was miserable.
Soon I went off to university and rarely came home. Sometimes it got to the point mummy wanted to cry. She’d call me severally, “please darling come home”. I’d encourage myself that I was saving her from real tears,maybe if I came home I’d have to see another betrayal.
“What is your name, young man? Daniel sir. I watched as my dad intertogated my husband to be. I faked a smile as mum raised an eyebrow at me. I had been into the “smile faking business” for a long time, even during my convocation party. I recall dad telling everyone how much he loved his wife and how she was so supportive. Daniel would be nothing like dad, never.
“Don’t ever hurt her” my dad said to Daniel, I scoffed at his words, mockery in my eyes. He just avoided my gaze and kept on.
Maybe I have been too harsh
Daniel…he had been praying for me, even when he didn’t know what broke the bridge between my dad and I. But my expression at the mention of my dad always said it all. I’d always say that I had forgiven him but deep down…There was still a lot of resentment
Just two weeks to my wedding now
I decided to talk to my dad. Maybe there was an explanation after all…I couldn’t run forever.
He agreed to meet me at a restaurant…
“Hi daddy, I smiled…you know that fake business.
I can do this
I can do this.. I said to myself as we sat
Why daddy? Those were my next words
“I’m so sorry, I am so sorry my dear.
Oh God, I wanted explanations, excuses, something!
He just kept apologising and I kept on nodding
I eventually broke down
I wanted my daddy back
I was still his little girl whether I liked it or not
Through the years he never gave up, not even once did he snap at my snobbish behaviour…but didn’t he deserve it?
I don’t know if we made up, but I felt relief.
So dad never saw the woman again, some part of me was glad I didn’t get a good look at her face….I loosened my clenched fist unconsciously
“Mummy”, I said as we walked out of the bridal shop the weekend before my wedding
“I need to tell you something,mum”
Mum turned so she could face me, holding my face in her palms
“I know darling, your father told me”.
“Know what mum?
Your father had an affair
He confessed years ago…
This thought was what brought tears to eyes as I walked down the aisle with my dad
Looking at my dad now as he walked me down the aisle
I was smiling for real now
He was still my daddy… A true hero…heros make mistakes too and for a split they can turn to a villain . He could have easily slammed it my face that he had told mum. I don’t know if our relationship would be as before but if mum could forgive him
Then who was I not to.
The priest turned to Daniel and i
“I now pronounce you husband and wife”.
i’m so happy to finally finish this…please don’t forget to leave your comments and thoughts…Thank you!